It's Like Elementary School All Over Again

After 8 weeks of my bigoted teacher's rants against religion, I left class early today because I couldn't stop crying.

  Not because of his latest abuses against religion (apparently I must be "self-righteous" and "racist"). I can take that. Growing up Mormon, you learn to have a thick skin because you're an easy target. Even when he looked me straight in the eyes during one of these rants, knowing full well of my religious background, I didn't crack. Even when he interrupted my one attempt at defending myself and my religion, I just rolled my eyes and decided to let him have out.

  It was when a kid in the front row raised their hand and said, "I think you're being really offensive. I'm not even religious and I think you're being offensive" that my eyes started to water. People sticking up for me (or just showing kindness in general) has always been a soft spot for me. But naturally it was assumed I must be crying because of the religious rants (to the couple in the back who pointed me out and laughed--thanks. That was great.)

  Unfortunately, when I start to cry, I get extremely embarrassed. It's too vulnerable. Also, my whole face turns splotchy, and my nose/area around my mouth turn beet red, which is lovely. So I continued to cry due to mortification at my crying in public. It was okay when it was just a few tears. But then came the snot. I tried to make due at first, but it quickly became obvious I had two options: 1.) Leave class or 2.) Grab some kleenex and come back. Not wanting the class to think it was that easy to run me out (plus not wanting to miss vital notes for our final), I grabbed some toilet paper and headed back, thinking I had it under control, anyway.

  I didn't. After about a minute, the humiliation crept back in and the tears/snot started flowing again. A second return from the bathroom was more than I could handle. After using up the toilet paper I'd brought back, I decided to duck out early.

  Anyway, to the person in the front row: thank you. Also, I hate you, because you made me cry.

Anatomy of a Mormon Dance

Cara and I, circa 2005-ish, doing our little dance.

  Many people are aware that Mormons do not date until they are sixteen. What perhaps may be lesser known is that when we turn the magical age of fourteen, we are able to go to the teen dances held every few months.

  As a fourteen year old, they are thrilling. Dancing? With BOYS? Touching?! Be still my beating heart!

  I actually had a grand time at dances. Most people do, I think, until around the time they turn sixteen and they can actually go on dates. The first year of dances, I remember saying, "I don't get why when people turn sixteen they stop going to dances! I'm never going to miss ONE." Then you turn sixteen, and you realize that hanging out with all the fourteen year-olds isn't as much fun as you thought it would still be. Plus, most dances are more or less identical, and they get old. Very, very old. 

 In case you may not be Mormon and are curious about our crazy, cultish ways, here is what goes down at a Mormon dance:

• All music will be at least ten years old. Most of it will be older. Expect some Chicago and Journey. 

• EVERY DANCE EVER will play "Cotton Eye Joe". It's a crowd pleaser, even though we all hate it. When it comes on, we break into pairs, and run around the gymnasium, bumping into other couples. It's obnoxious, but fun the first dozen times you do it.

• Slow dances are old school. Not quite Darcy and Elizabeth style with that weird horn going on in the BBC version, but close. (Not really) Anyway, it's the style where the guy has one hand on your waist, the other hand in yours. I've noticed there is a lot of variety in where men think a woman's "waist" is. Not that they were trying anything sketchy, though. They were just clueless, sweaty fourteen year old boys.

• There will always be that ONE guy you really, really don't want to dance with. You cannot shake him. He will never be deterred. Just give in to the inevitable and get it over with. I once walked around the entire gym trying to shake a guy. Did not work. I then entered a circle of my guy friends and told them to shield me. Did not work. He stood directly behind me until I turned around. Seriously, get it over with. It's easier that way.

• Break dancing is not allowed, as it is the devil's dance. Or because of liability issues, one of the two. Regardless, the two boys in the whole stake who know how to break dance will do it at some point anyway. A circle will immediately form around them, and all will be enthralled for the thirty seconds until a chaperon shows up.

• Speaking of chaperons, you must always keep the "Book of Mormon" distance between you while dancing. If you have a special someone, and put your head on their shoulder, the chaperon WILL come up and ask you to put a little space between you two. It will be awkward the rest of the dance.

• There will be that one ward that takes things too seriously. Way, way too seriously. One ward cut off "That Thing You Do" right in the middle because they thought it was too suggestive. We nearly revolted.

• Be prepared to do the chicken dance, YMCA, and the Cha Cha song. Also that one dance I can't remember the name of that goes along to the "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" song. 

  What am I forgetting, guys? I know I'm leaving a bunch out. Really, though, despite all my gripes of terrible music and such, I had a lot of fun at those things. I'd never want to go again, but still.

   Good times.

Primary Graffiti and Quotes

 For those of you who are not Mormon aficionados, "Primary" is where the eleven year olds and under go during the second and third hours of church. I teach the seven year olds, but that's not relevant to this post in any way other than that's how I get the scoop on Primary goings-on. Oh, and just so you know, "Sunbeams" are the youngest group in Primary. They're two or three, I can't remember. Anyway, ON WITH THE FUNNY!

Primary leader: What is the Holy Ghost?

Sunbeam: If ghosts scare you, you can just run away and go "AHHH!".

* * * * *

Primary Leader: Oh, one imortant announcement: teachers have next week off.

Me: Sweet!

Girl in My Class: Hey!

Me: I mean . . . we'll miss you guys.

* * * * *

And now, my favorite: Primary graffiti. Some child wrote in marker on one of the cork boards. See if you can decipher what it says.

 In case you can't read it, it says "hefle fothr Love's me."

  I spent much of my time focusing on the first two words, and concluded the child must have just been practicing random letters. Once I noticed the "Love's me", though, it quickly came together. "Heavenly Father loves me". Pretty much the most hilarious graffiti of all time. So I have decreed, so it must be.