Monday, May 16, 2011

I Wish

 Some days I just feel like a failure. This morning has that metallic failure taste in my mouth.

  I wish I were better about keeping our apartment clean. I woke up this morning, and my bedroom was strewn with the variety of church clothes I tried on before finally settling on an outfit. Next to the couch in the living room, the floor is littered with my homework and books. And slippers. The kitchen has crumbs that I never seem able to be rid of, no matter how many times I wipe the counters and table down. Even with just the two of us, I can't seem to keep things clean. Every time the missionaries come over, I am horribly embarrassed, because they never call ahead, and the living room is always a mess. I've taken to hiding in the kitchen when they come over so I won't have to apologize for my poor cleaning habits again.

  I wish I were more patient.

  I wish I were a better decorator. Sometimes looking at other people's blogs (which I do obsessively), makes me depressed because everyone and their dog has better decorating sense than I do. I wish I could afford to buy pretty art, instead of making my own crappy decorations. Or, more than that, that I could make non-crappy decorations. I also wish I could paint the walls so they weren't asylum white.

  I wish Sylvester liked me half as much as he likes McKay. I also wish I was half as funny as I think I am.

  I wish I weren't so lazy. If I weren't, I would actually be doing something about all this stuff that I'm writing about, rather than just sit and gripe about it like a Nerf herder.

  Not all days are Failure Days. In fact, most days I have too high an opinion of myself. McKay will tell me I'm  beautiful, or how good a cook I am, and I'll just smile back and say, "I know." And, yeah, you can slap me for that if you want. But some days it's true. Some days I am awesome.

  But today is not one of those days.


  1. Hey Julia,

    I'm sorry that the first post of yours I read is so depressing! Haha. I guess I just wanted to say that you're not alone on days like this. I actually wish a lot of the same things you do. It seems like every new wife I see immediately starts a cute little blog (not bashing blogging or anything btw, I'm just not that dedicated) about the awesome meals they invented or the cute crafts they make and sell, while I sit here making Pastaroni, trying to come up with some kind of unique crafty thing I could be good at, to no avail so far. I also wish I could paint my walls too, 4 of which are cozy white brick (asylum white is a good adjective) All in all, we all have "failure days". I guess they're meant to keep us in check, at least that's how I like to look at it. They point out things that we might need some improvement in, or maybe just an attitude adjustment. And although sometimes we might just need a day to feel sorry for ourselves, I've found nothing will change unless you do something about it; like you said it's really an issue of laziness, which I struggle with as well. In these times of laziness, its really all about mind over matter. You just have to look at yourself and tell you to get off your butt and do something. You can pray for strength, and maybe find something that motivates you. For me lately, it's thinking about my husband, and how proud he'll be of me if I vacuumed or cleaned the bathroom today, or whatever. Or heck, do it for your future kids who you'll want to be a good example for. (that's definitely a guilt tripping one) In any case, it helps me.
    Well, this turned into more of a rant than words of condolence, but I sincerely hope that you have a better day Julia, and maybe an "I am awesome day" tomorrow. :)
    P.S. I got your taco-eating panda friend in the mail today. I love it, and I'm sure the Lloyd's will too. :)

  2. Wow, this one hit home with me. A part of me is really sad that you had a bad day. The other part of me is secretly relieved that someone I think is so talented and gorgeous sometimes feels exactly the way I do.

  3. Nerf Herder HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
    The reason you don't see many lousy deorated houses on bloged is because they don't post pictures of them... that what I do

  4. 1st off I found out that hanging empty photo frames is a way to trap roaming ghosts, so not only do you make amazing art, you perform a civic duty with your art.
    2nd I wish I was 1/2 as funny as you ARE (even if that is 1/2 as funny as you think you are. So I wish I was 1/4 as funny as you think you are....I think).
    3rd - Nobody has a completely clean house all of the time unless they are obsessive compulsive and spend 5 hours a day just cleaning. I don't know about you, but I'd rather read a book, eat some chocolate and see a movie. Does it make my house more clean, no. Does it make me more fun to be around, yes.