Sunday, November 20, 2011

Warning to Men: Do Not Talk to Me for the Next Six Weeks

  I'm about to partake of more pregnancy grumbling, I'm sorry. Only six more weeks of it, I promise, and then you won't hear about it for a good, long time again (hopefully). But since I wrote my "Pregnancy Lies" post, God has felt the need to serve me a good, hardy slice of humble pie. He has smote me with acne (because pregnancy just wasn't sexy enough as it was), an extremely bad case of lethargy (I slept til about five PM yesterday, I was so exhausted), and--my favorite!--stretch marks. I was unaware of most of these stretch marks until yesterday night, when I asked McKay if I had any on the under side of my belly (which I can no longer see at all).

  "Um, you said stretch marks go away, right?" he asked.
  "I take that as a 'yes'." I said, trying to keep my voice level.
  "Uh, yeah, you've got a few." This caused me to suck in my gut and push my belly as flat as I could until I could discern for myself that, yes, indeed, I gots stretch marks pretty much all over the bottom of my belly now. Hoo-frickin-rah.

  Later that night we watched Dial 'M' for Murder, and every time Grace Kelly was on screen I would tear up a little and yell, "I used to have a waist, too!" I'm just loads of fun to be around now.

  Anyway, today at church I had one of those days where I mutter constantly to myself, "The church is true, but the people aren't, the church is true, but the people aren't. . . "

  This started with one friendly gentleman coming up to me before Sacrament Meeting.

  Friendly Man: Man, you're looking about ready to pop, you're so huge!
  Me: [fake laughter, trying to smile rather than bare teeth] Ha ha, yup.
  Friendly Man: It's coming up real soon, isn't it?
  Me: Yeah, well, about six weeks.
  Friendly Man: [dismissively] Oh, that's not that soon.

  I'm never getting into heaven now because I wanted to poke a man's eye out at church. Geez. And can I just say now that no woman ever, EVER wants to be called "huge"? Just don't do it. It's not smart.

  Friendly Man #2 had the following conversation with me:

 FM#2: Isn't it such an amazing journey, being pregnant?
 Me: [fake laugh] Well, it's certainly a tiring one!
 FM#2: [slightly disgruntled] But it's very necessary, and it's a great and beautiful thing. Life would be so short without it.
 Me: Uh, I guess so. With human population dropping off and all.

  I just wanted to end this by saying it should be biologically possible and legally required for a man to be pregnant and give birth before ever being allowed to interact with a pregnant woman. And then only under strict surveillance.

  What's the most insensitive thing someone's said to you lately?


  1. Good morning, I blog stalked you today, because I was like I wonder how Julia's pregnancy is going. . . Now I know! :)

    I had a high school girl say, "Are you sure you're not having twins?" Of course she will some day realize the error of her ways.

    Also I was in Vegas when I was 6 months along. Venturing out of Utah where pregnancy is not that big of a deal, EVERYONE comments on it in Vegas. One man said, "You look like you're about to have that baby any day!" Nope, I have three months to go. That man could have been drunk though, so I was offended because I really was still so small. . .

  2. excuse me, I WASN'T offended. Yeah, that makes more sense.