Friday, April 13, 2012

The Accidental Stalker

  A couple months after we moved into our cute, teensy bungalow, another couple about our age moved in next door. In an unusual fit of friendliness, we decided to take over some cookies and meet them. Turned out the wife was also pregnant. We exchanged a few very awkward sentences and then skedaddled back to our hermit cave.

  A few months later, McKay and I started going to Lamaze. Next Door Neighbors were also there.
  "Oh, hey!" we said. I'm socially handicapped, so I tend to talk in a lot of exclamation points with acquaintances. I do this now because when I used to try to be chill, people told me they wanted to sock me in the face when we first met. I'm not sure my new method is an improvement.
  "Hi." Our neighbors enthused.
  "When are you due?" McKay asked.
  "January first." They said. "And you?"
  "January third!"
  "Oh." [awkward silence] "So are you having the baby in town?"
  "No, we're going to the next town over, we hear it's nicer there." We said.
  "Yeah, us, too."
  "Oh, nice!" I gush unnecessarily.
 [awkward silence. I super suck at small talk]
  "So who's your doctor?" They asked.
  [I provide name of doctor]
  "That's our doctor, too." They state.
  "Oh! Nice!"
[awkward silence]

  Flash forward to about two weeks before my due date. Waiting in the reception area of my OBGYN's office. Guess who showed up?
ME: Oh! Hey! How's it going?
NEIGHBOR: Good. And you?
ME: Good!
[awkward silence until they blessedly call my name]

  Flash forward to yesterday. At a baby play class thing. Neighbor walks in the door.
  ME: Oh, my gosh, I swear I'm not stalking you.
  NEIGHBOR: It's okay, you were here first.
 [awkward silence. Her baby starts to cry a minimal amount.]
  ME: So, how have the last few months been for you?
  NEIGHBOR: Really good, this is actually the biggest tantrum he's thrown in about two weeks.
  ME: Oh, Lincoln has one of those about every day, haha!
  [awkward silence]

  I'm starting to feel a little trapped. Like the universe is throwing me together with this woman. But instead of it being a "we're like sisters, we're going to be BFFs forevermore, we click amazingly well, no wonder the cosmos have decreed we shall run into each other everywhere" kind of thing, it's more like Liz Lemon and Wesley Snipes on 30 Rock--we're settling soul mates. Only, you know, in regards to friendship.

  Anyone else feel like a stalker of a random person? This happens to other people, right?


  1. Sort of related, but really mostly unrelated. . . I used to share an office with this woman, M, and recently we had a conversation in which I told her I wanted to work for her instead of teaching. She told me what she could pay me and I told her I needed to talk to my husband aaaaaaaaaaaand then Adam said he needed to think about it. For a long time. And I see this lady everywhere. And I didn't want to keep saying, "Still thinking about that job!" but I couldn't think of anything else, because I still wanted that job!! Soooooo. . . this really has nothing to do with what you asked.

    1. Haha, I love you. And it does--awkward encounters!