Enchanted Forest . . . Disneyland's Slightly Twisted Cousin

  A few weeks ago, my friend Shanti and I took our toddlers to the (in)famous Enchanted Forest. You may not have seen, the local gem that is Enchanted Forest recently made the prestigious list of "World's Creepiest Parks for Kids" (seen here). Note that it didn't say "in Oregon" or even "in America". This park made this list out of all the parks IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. And, boy, did it live up to the reputation! Within the first hour, I can't even count the number of times Shanti and I turned to one another to say, "I can't believe how creepy this is. I'm seriously a little frightened." And luckily for you, I took lots of photo and video to document it!

   A few weeks before we visited, this Humpty literally had a great fall. Hence the ladder and missing bricks.

   The witch animatronic inside here made me scream aloud. Her chin was bigger than my head. I tried to get a video, but it was so dark you couldn't see a thing on camera. I think they do that on purpose.

   Mary and her sheep-dog thing.

This looks way worse in person. Trust me. 

   This was kind of cool, in an I-don't-want-to-do-it way. You could crawl through this long, pitch dark tunnel that went under the walkway for about fifteen yards. Lincoln pronounced it "dark" and "scary", and would not enter. Couldn't blame him. Those words were repeated often that day. You can hear it in this video:

  This was for the seven dwarves, if I remember correctly. There was a whole tight tunnel (but adult-sized this time. But forget about it if you're obese, those things were really, really narrow) that showed said dwarves mining, surrounded by green glowing waterfalls that did not photograph well. It was very eerie.

Jack and Jill did not look like they were "tumbling" down the mountain. Unless "tumbling" is another word for "being chased by monster demons".

   Lincoln was very curious to see what might be up there. By the way, this led to a slide. Don't you love the fangs? Nice touch.

   I like how the Crooked Man looks like a peeping Tom for his own home. 

   I took one step inside and felt like I was going to puke. I'm getting old. Lincoln and Magnus kept falling down. Shanti noped out, but I went through the "dark", "scary" house with the kids. And got to see this face:

   This picture looks more blurry than it is. Know why? BECAUSE THIS WAS PAINTED WITH FOUR EYES. I don't know why, guys. I don't have any answers. I'm only here to document.

Honestly, I've never heard of The Crooked Man, so I don't blame you if you haven't either. But everyone knows the Three Bears of Startling Flexibility!

   This one Shanti and I were like, "Hey, this one isn't so bad! Nothing too freaky about it." Until you get to the other side, and . . . 

   MOLDY WOLF THING.

   This park didn't make you sign a waver (or maybe it did, I can't remember), but every attraction had signs like this one. 

  After the fairytale/nursery rhyme walk-through section there were the shops and rides. We braved this bobsled ride, which included exactly zero seatbelts. I screamed for a lot of it, but it was good fun, I must admit. It reminded me of the amusement park McKay and I went to in China, where you were seriously afraid for your life the whole time. Added adrenaline!

   This is Shanti, and you can just make out Magnus' head, in the bobsled behind us, going up, up, up!

  The shops are interspersed with more fairytale animatronics, these ones in better lighting so I could share them with you lucky folks! It really doesn't do it justice, though, which is too bad. The blue fairy from Pinocchio looked like she had hung herself after chopping off her feet:

  Really, though, as scary as Enchanted Forest is (Shanti and I were both too chicken to check out the haunted house because, really, I hate to see what they come up with when they're TRYING to be scary), one thing you can say for them is there is a lot to do. A restaurant we took a break in had a fun water show every seven minutes, though even that was terrifying from time to time when the music became more intense and the lights all turned red.

While we were looking through the shops, Shanti told me, "Julia. Turn around." Again, I literally screamed out loud, seeing these guys hanging outside the shop windows:

  The kiddie rides were a big hit, but unfortunately, they also hit your wallet pretty hard. In addition to entrance fees, you needed to buy tickets to go on the rides. These tickets are 95 cents each (so basically a dollar) and most of the rides are 2-4 tickets. The bobsleds were four, meaning it cost eight bucks for Lincoln and I to ride it. Once. Most of the kiddie rides were two tickets (I think), and the kids could go on those without us, so those were a bit cheaper at least. Lincoln's favorite was (unsurprisingly) the TRAIN! The train that looked like it was designed by a 12 year old girl using photoshop in the early 00's.

  Gooooood times. This train was like Enchanted Forest's version of the Casey Jr. train at Disneyland. This train led you through the sights of:

   Old McDonald's Farm! (Cows say: HELP ME)

 Elfland!

And Cinderella's castle, surrounded by Pinocchio's village. Aaaand . . . that's it. Those were the three sights. Though, to be fair, there could have been zero sights and Lincoln still would've been thrilled.

  Lincoln also had a grand old time on these motor boats. The second time he went the guy let them go for like 5-10 minutes, which was pretty awesome of him.

  Really, though, we spent three hours at Enchanted Forest and the kids had a blast. Lincoln watches those animatronic videos on my phone over and over. And even with entrance fees and the ride tickets, we were out about twenty-five bucks. Compared to Disneyland, that's parking money. So, while it may not be Disneyland standard, for the fun the kids had and the "wow" factor (not exactly a good "wow", though), it was well worth the price. I think it was a good bonding experience with Shanti, too. We both survived Enchanted Forest with minimal emotional scarring. I think we're the stronger for it.

The Week of the Gallbladder

  About a month ago, I woke up at four AM on a Sunday morning in extreme pain. The kind of pain you can't escape from, not with changing position, not with pills, there's no relief, ever. McKay was sweet and stayed up with me, looking things up on Web MD and giving me massages, but nothing seemed to help.

  At eight, I was giving up hope that the pain was going to go away by itself, so I texted my Dad. Who informed me that my time was up. It was Gallbladder Season, a very much non-magical time in every Beesley girl's life when your gallbladder just up and decides that it hates you and wants to cause as much havoc as possible before it's removed.

  Fast forward one week. My gallbladder is removed. This made me happy, not just because it meant I could eat cheese again (a week without cheese is a long week indeed), but because it meant the bestest possible outcome ever.

  My mom was coming to take care of me.

 The first couple of days were pretty quiet. My big outing Monday was going to Costco, and even that left me shaking by the end. Getting your gallbladder out is weird, because for the first week, you can feel your organs rearranging themselves every time you stand up. It's a funny, nauseous kind of feeling. But by Wednesday, I was able to stand for longer periods of time.

  Mom is like a fairy godmother, making everything better everywhere she goes. And, like Cinderella's godmother, I always end up looking a whole lot better by the time she leaves. This is because we both love shopping, and I live pretty close to a tax-free outlet mall. Woot, Oregon!

  Thursday I was recovering from our epic shopping trip, so we stayed more low-key, walking around Corvallis' downtown, and eating far too much dessert at a local bakery.

   I loved showing Mom Oregon, because it was like everything was new and exciting again. Flowered bushes? BEAUTIFUL. Victorian houses? GORGEOUS. A bridge over a lake? AMAZING. I think I almost had Mom converted and ready to move . . . until the snake. But we'll not get too into that. Suffice to say, Mom's screaming broom action, herding the snake out my front door (yes, it was indoors. IN MY KITCHEN), was the most terrifying, hilarious thing I've ever seen.

  Friday was our last day, and Mom really wanted to see Newport. We stopped at the aquarium first.

   This otter was either snoozing, or doing a great impression of it. 

The sea lions were a big hit.

   I love the aquarium in Newport because they've got lots of interactive parts for kids. It was hard to tear Lincoln away from every section. Lincoln loved fishing, though eventually he figured out it was just easier to reach in the barrel and grab them out by hand. Who needs a pole? I think if he ever goes fishing for reals, though, he's going to be disappointed that magnets are not actually the best bait.

   Touching an anemone. You're allowed in this part, I promise. It's pretty awesome.

  LOOK AT IT, GRANDMA. LOOK AT IT ALL.

After the aquarium, Lincoln was pretty close to shutting down completely. It was already past nap time, and he was FREAKING OUT. But Mom really wanted to see the beach. So we headed over to the coast, and thank goodness we did, because I've never seen such fantastic weather there. Not only was it not very windy, the water was, if not warm, a tolerable kind of cold! AMAZING!

   Lincoln took some convincing at first that the sand was not, in fact, evil. He mistrusted it deeply, but once we got in the cooler, more hard-packed stuff by the water, he seemed to have accepted it. Even, dare I say, enjoy it.

  Once Mom and Lincoln were in the water, all bets were off. Lincoln LOVED the waves, racing in until he was chest-deep. I, being the over-prepared Beesley that I am, had brought him a swimsuit and change of clothes, but hadn't really expected I'd need it. But it turned out that for once I wasn't prepared ENOUGH, as Mom and I both wished we'd done the same for us. Lincoln continued to run heedlessly into the waves, laughing manically, having no healthy amount of fear in him. Luckily Mom was always next to him, holding his hand as he charged deeper and deeper into the water. He probably could have continued to jump in the waves for hours, but once he started shivering we decided to call it quits. He fell asleep almost instantly on the way home.

   For reasons we could never discern, Lincoln called my mom "Die-to" all week. Not sure what that was about, but when she drove away Saturday, the rest of the weekend he would look around and fretfully ask, "Die-to? Die-to?" It broke my heart, because I missed her, too.

  Mom's the best. Wish I had another gallbladder to remove to get her back.

  OH, also, you want to see what gallstones look like?

  Yuuup, my body made those. Pretty gross, right? Lincoln was fascinated and liked using the container as a maraca. I'm eternally grateful that the lid didn't pop off.

Portland, Take Two. Or Three? I Forget

  For our fourth wedding anniversary, McKay and I decided to make a day of Portland. You may recall that Portland used to scare us a bit. But since that fateful, moon-filled day, we've become slightly more accustomed, and even knew whereabouts some fun things were.

  We stopped at the temple first, and walked around the grounds with Lincoln. He loved the fountains especially.

  Once in the downtown Portland area, we started at the Saturday's Market, which is chocked full with weird and wonderful finds.

 Bug eye baby!

 These shadow boxes were even more beautiful and strange in person.

 Lincoln LOVES hats. Unless he's supposed to wear it. But he seriously freaked out when we didn't buy this hat.

  Lincoln liked dancing to the performer. So did a drunk woman. She put on quite a show.

  After the market, we headed to Blue Star Donuts. Everyone here is crazy about Voodoo donuts, because they have amusing names and interesting toppings. Blue Star Donut, though, is the gourmet version of donuts. We really should have bought a water, though. My mouth practically burned from that crazy sweet consumption.

  We also headed over to Powell's, an amazingly huge used bookstore. I keep a list of books that I've checked out from the library that I would like to own someday, so I was able to check off quite a number of items off that list. I really liked the store, but next time I'd like to try going on a weekday. It was so crowded it was impossible to get the stroller through the tight isles, and some sections you were dancing around people. This is a place of introverts, why is it so claustrophobic?! But, really, it was awesome.

  So, Portland, I've become accustomed to you. Turns out your bark is worse than your bite. And you seriously have a crazy amount of donut shops, which is cool.

Gluten-Free and Judginess

  I recently read an article on signs you have a gluten intolerance. I basically had every single one, all of which could quite possibly be explained by some other cause, but I thought, eh. Might as well give this whole gluten-free thingymagigy a try, and see if it helps anything.

  I don't like telling people I'm trying to go gluten-free, though. Because they get really judgey. But not from the side I was expecting. See, THIS is what I was expecting:

ME: Yeah, I'm giving this "gluten-free" thingy a whirl to see if it helps my digestion system/terrible acne.

WHOEVER ELSE: UGHHH, WHY DOES EVERYONE SUDDENLY GIVE A CRAP ABOUT GLUTEN? YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE A HIPPY, AND SHOULD DROWN YOURSELF.

  This is the reaction I expected because it's more or less what I think when I hear anyone is doing anything weird, food-wise. Paleo, juicing, all that stuff, I basically get judgey and feel superior. And I'm sorry about that. I'm not a great person.

 But terrible people like me must be in the minority, or maybe we're just better at hiding our disdain than I thought, because they're not the judgey ones I've encountered. Since I live in Oregon, here's a basic compilation of the reactions I've had:

ME: Yeah, I'm trying to go gluten-free for a while.

WHOEVER ELSE: Oh, me, too! It's so much better for you. And they have some great foods out there! There's this one cereal, it's super healthy for you, called Tastes Like Tree Bark [not actual name], and it's not bad! [NOTE: 'not bad' is the phrase used to describe something inedible made slightly more edible. Have you ever heard someone describe tofu as 'good'? No, the best that can be said of tofu is 'not bad'. End of rant.]

ME: Yeah, also Frosted Flakes! You know, since it's corn-based and all.

   And then whoever I'm talking to looks at me like I said I stabbed a baby seal. With a steak. A non-organic steak.

  See, here's where the mix-up is: I didn't say I was dieting. I didn't say I was going sugar-free, or even trying to eat healthy. I said I'm trying to give up gluten for a while. Because it would be nice to live my life without feeling perpetually tired, or having brain fog, or maybe (FINGERS CROSSED!) get rid of the acne my mother assured me would disappear after the puberty thing ended (my mother is a liar, but I love her anyway).

   So let me eat my friggin' Frosted Flakes in peace. Because they're gluten-free, and I like them. And you know what? I do feel a bit better. Even hopped up on sugar. I made gluten-free chocolate chip cookies last week, and they were the best cookies I've ever made. And I ate almost every single one.

UNRELATED P.S. Reached 100 pages in my new book! Remember how I wrote that book last year? It was crap. And I hated it. I made the mistake of never, ever editing it as I wrote, which made it one big, hot mess when I went to read over the 340+ pages I slaved over. And I realized I just wasn't crazy enough over the story I'd written to work for another year tearing it apart. So I decided to chalk it up to a learning experience and write another book, which I edit every weekend. I think that, if I were to come across the book I'm writing now in a bookstore, it is the kind of book I'd like to read. Which makes me very, very happy.

GUESS WHAT I GOT FOR MY BIRTHDAY?!

  A FULL-BODY RASH! Aren't I the lucky one?

  Turns out I'm allergic to some medications. It'll probably last a week or so. They also told me my skin could eventually peel off like a sunburn. Oh, baby!

  To make myself feel better, let's look at some pictures of fall going on!

It was so cloudy it was like nighttime when I took this pic, guys. Oregon-style!

One of my favorite parts of fall is the leaf confetti on the ground. So pretty!

   Hmm. Still not feeling great about the rash on my birthday dealio. Let's try some Lincoln pictures!

I had to document this because it's the first time Sylvester has every willingly laid on Lincoln's lap. BUDS. Lincoln, after being assured that Sylvester did not want to be laid on as well, did some excellent petting.

This was Lincoln's present to me this morning. 

  Any of you have unexpected birthday surprises?

Day 15: If I Was an Animal, What Would I Be and Why

 This question cracks me up, because I was asked it at a mass job interview for American Eagle.

  I'd already interviewed at American Eagle and hadn't made the cut because I wore a skirt and tried to act professional. They promptly forgot all about me and called to ask me to interview again. So this time I came wearing jeans and didn't bother hiding my boredom

  Anyway, in the second interview, they asked me what animal I would be. I had already been offered a job at KB Toys and for some reason felt too awkward to tell the American Eagle peoples that and turn down the interview. So I truly didn't care how I did.

  I told them I would be a fox, really just because that's my favorite animal, but I said it was because foxes are secretive and solitary and something about liking to hide. Which, when you think about it, doesn't sound like qualities you want in an employee.

  They hired me. The manager told me he hired me because he finally remembered me at my initial interview and said he was impressed with the fact I'd done a 180 since then.

  I think it was the jeans.

  But, when it became obvious that working for American Eagle was like being forced to hang out with  high maintenance cool kids in high school mixed with a twinge of Nazi, I quit.

  I lasted a month.

  Here's some bonus pictures of spring in Oregon! Friggin' gorgeous, right?

Any idea what kind of tree this is? Or that bush? I see those bushes with flowers all over town (it's the same as the bush-tree thingies in the first photo), and they can grow HUGE. I want one.

Spring in Oregon

  Plus, bonus picture of Lincoln!

  He thinks crawling around under the table and through the chairs is a cool obstacle course. But he tends to get stuck on this one. So I did what any good mother would do and grabbed my camera.