Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Four Reasons Zombies Are Lame

I don't really get the zombie craze. I tried half-heartedly to like it, but . . .

I just don't  think zombies are all that scary.

And here's some reasons why:

1. Zombies are SO SLOW. For some reason, their infection-thingy seems to affect their legs, so they're all lame. Or maybe it's the whole my-body-is-rotting thing, beats me. Either way, in a foot race, regular ol' humanity is going to win. No contest. And even if you're like me and not a great runner, even one of those electronic wheelchairs could leave them in the dust, so don't sweat it.

2. They're unintelligent. From what I've seen of zombies, they make no plans. Lay no traps. They just wander around and try to eat people. It would not be hard to outsmart a zombie. In fact, I'm pretty sure if you just dug a big ditch and stood on the other side of it, zombies would fall in it continually until it was full and the other zombies would walk over the other zombie bodies. And then you just run a hundred yards away, dig another ditch, wait an hour for them to catch up with that limp and repeat. Easy peasy. In fact, from what I've seen, they seem easily fooled by people who just ACT like zombies. They crave the flesh of the living, but don't seem able to sniff out the difference, so just join the club and they'll be none the wiser.

3. They make no friggin' sense. From what I've heard, their greatest desire is brains. Correct? So they want to attack people to eat their brains. I'm assuming zombies still have THEIR brains, otherwise what little motor skills they have would go kaput. So, why aren't they eating each others' brains? And another question, how are more zombies made? I'm pretty sure it's a transferred-through-bite thing like werewolves, but aren't they eating their victims' brains? So the victims are brain-less, and thus unable to become even a low brain functioning zombie. The only way I can see more zombies being made through zombie bites is if they get interrupted during their meal constantly. Though, now I think about it, zombies don't seem to remember anatomy so well, because they always seem to bite arms, shoulders, legs, etc. They don't go for the head right off, WHICH IS WHERE THE BRAINS ARE, STUPID.

4. The undead thing. So . . . they're dead, but not? Is it just that their old selves are dead? Or are they truly 100% dead? If so, wouldn't they just rot into nothingness after a few months or so? In that case, just find a good hiding spot (again, they're stupid) and wait for them to rot away. Problem solved.

  People make fun of my fascination with ghosts, but come on. Pound for pound, ghosts are WAY scarier than zombies.

1. They're intelligent.
2. They can pop out AT ANY TIME and scare the crap out of you.
3. They are definitely dead, none of this "undead" crap, so you can't kill them. Exercise them, I guess.
4. You can't even really FIGHT them. No blowtorches, axes, whatever else you're gonna use against zombies. If there was a World War G, we'd be pretty screwed.
5. They can possess you, throw pots at you, slam doors, all kinds of crazy high jinx that are way scarier than slowly meandering towards you while grunting and biting the wrong body parts.

  If you're a zombie fan, please explain it to me. What is the dealio and why do they seem like any kind of threat to you? Like I said, they don't interest me, so I don't know much about them; I may be way off base here. Educate me.


  Seriously, they do. What with all the grunting.


  1. I just think they look cute.

  2. The only thing I've seen recently that suggests zombies only want to eat brains is Warm Bodies. Otherwise, zombies just want to eat whatever part of the living they can. On shows like The Walking Dead, the zombies are slow. The characters usually only have difficulties if they get surrounded by a bunch of them. Zombies can be made two ways on this show: 1) being bitten and 2) if they die naturally. The second is an interesting twist on zombies.

    Then there are movies where the zombies are fast and super creepy, like 28 weeks later and (I think) Dawn of the Dead. Fast zombies definitely creep me out. But like you said in your post, they should just rot away. Which they do in some movies.

    Anyway, I like zombies because they look creepy and there are so many different versions of them. Don't get me wrong, ghosts are scary too. Especially because you won't always see them coming and they leave you in a constant state of unrest because they can appear at any moment.

    1. Well put. I commend your defense of zombies.

  3. I like zombies 55 times more than I like vampires:

  4. It's more cerebral than the idea of being killed, like by a cougar.

    Zombies horde en masse and have no real directive physical strength. They pile up against walls and doors with moans that go on incessantly - literally until their target is removed. 24/7, you would be able to hear them.
    Most importantly, zombies EAT you. And they're PEOPLE (well kind of). They would gang up on you, seven, and just munch on your screaming face until you died. That's the scary part for me.

    Which is why suicide is a better option when your back is against the wall and there's 10 zombies a foot away from you.

    It's all a commentary on society, you see.