Anatomy of a Mormon Dance

Cara and I, circa 2005-ish, doing our little dance.

  Many people are aware that Mormons do not date until they are sixteen. What perhaps may be lesser known is that when we turn the magical age of fourteen, we are able to go to the teen dances held every few months.

  As a fourteen year old, they are thrilling. Dancing? With BOYS? Touching?! Be still my beating heart!

  I actually had a grand time at dances. Most people do, I think, until around the time they turn sixteen and they can actually go on dates. The first year of dances, I remember saying, "I don't get why when people turn sixteen they stop going to dances! I'm never going to miss ONE." Then you turn sixteen, and you realize that hanging out with all the fourteen year-olds isn't as much fun as you thought it would still be. Plus, most dances are more or less identical, and they get old. Very, very old. 

 In case you may not be Mormon and are curious about our crazy, cultish ways, here is what goes down at a Mormon dance:

• All music will be at least ten years old. Most of it will be older. Expect some Chicago and Journey. 

• EVERY DANCE EVER will play "Cotton Eye Joe". It's a crowd pleaser, even though we all hate it. When it comes on, we break into pairs, and run around the gymnasium, bumping into other couples. It's obnoxious, but fun the first dozen times you do it.

• Slow dances are old school. Not quite Darcy and Elizabeth style with that weird horn going on in the BBC version, but close. (Not really) Anyway, it's the style where the guy has one hand on your waist, the other hand in yours. I've noticed there is a lot of variety in where men think a woman's "waist" is. Not that they were trying anything sketchy, though. They were just clueless, sweaty fourteen year old boys.

• There will always be that ONE guy you really, really don't want to dance with. You cannot shake him. He will never be deterred. Just give in to the inevitable and get it over with. I once walked around the entire gym trying to shake a guy. Did not work. I then entered a circle of my guy friends and told them to shield me. Did not work. He stood directly behind me until I turned around. Seriously, get it over with. It's easier that way.

• Break dancing is not allowed, as it is the devil's dance. Or because of liability issues, one of the two. Regardless, the two boys in the whole stake who know how to break dance will do it at some point anyway. A circle will immediately form around them, and all will be enthralled for the thirty seconds until a chaperon shows up.

• Speaking of chaperons, you must always keep the "Book of Mormon" distance between you while dancing. If you have a special someone, and put your head on their shoulder, the chaperon WILL come up and ask you to put a little space between you two. It will be awkward the rest of the dance.

• There will be that one ward that takes things too seriously. Way, way too seriously. One ward cut off "That Thing You Do" right in the middle because they thought it was too suggestive. We nearly revolted.

• Be prepared to do the chicken dance, YMCA, and the Cha Cha song. Also that one dance I can't remember the name of that goes along to the "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" song. 

  What am I forgetting, guys? I know I'm leaving a bunch out. Really, though, despite all my gripes of terrible music and such, I had a lot of fun at those things. I'd never want to go again, but still.

   Good times.