I Took the Road That Took Far Less Energy. Hopefully it Won't Make All the Difference.

  I get it. You're pregnant! You're excited! There's no way you're going to screw this baby up. Your kiddo will be the best dressed, well-groomed child that would never, in its wildest dreams, throw a temper tantrum in a grocery store.

  And then you have the sucker. And holy crap.

  Maybe it's just me. Especially since I live in Oregon, where the other moms I meet all have their kids on special organic, no-sugar, homemade, gluten-free, sans red dye diets.

  I don't cut that. I'm proud if Lincoln watches less than an hour of TV every day. Yeah. LESS.

  Anyway, here's my list of things I TOTALLY thought I'd be able to do with my baby that did not end up happening:

1. Shoes. I smile sadly at all those cute pregnancy pictures with the teensy baby Chucks next to the adult sized ones. Because, if those parents are anything like me, those shoes will stay that pristine forever. I have yet to meet the new parent who makes the effort to put teensy tiny shoes on their newborn. You think you will. You won't. Especially if they require laces. Trust me, not worth the $30. Buy the socks that look like shoes, much better investment.

  On a side tangent, older folks, please stop asking newborn babies, "Where are your shoes?!" We know that it's veiled criticism on the parent's behalf. Knock it off, we want to punch you. You're lucky we came to the grocery store wearing shirts. And when I say 'we', I mean both of us, baby and me.

 (P.S. This is really directed more toward pre-walkers. Lincoln usually wears shoes now. Except when we walk into church. I'm never able to pull that off for some reason.)

2. No TV before age 2! EVER EVER EVER, NOT EVEN IN THE SAME HOUSE OR PLANET.

  Some parents are able to do this. I am not. Maybe Lincoln's IQ will be 100 points less for it. Maybe it won't make much of a difference at all in the long run. It's a gamble I'm taking on behalf of my sanity.

3.  My nursery will have color-coordinated furniture, always be clean, and never smell like poop!

  Nope. Remember way back when, when I had all those posts on what would be my 'nursery of awesomeness'? Remember how I never finished those posts? It's because, when you're on a budget and perpetually exhausted, your nursery looks less like awesomeness and more like the thrift store cheapness that it is. Also, I think I clean in there maybe once every two months.

4.  No sugar cereal/processed foods/insert other food crusade!

  Like I said before, many moms in Oregon seem to have it together in this category. When one mom told me she felt guilty giving her son Cheerios, I faked a sympathetic, "Yeah, we're terrible face" while thinking, "Cheerios are in the bad column? Crap."

5. My baby will look like a mini model at all times.

  This one, along with the nursery one, depends on your budget. Me, I was shocked when I actually looked at the price tags on baby clothes. Initially, it doesn't seem so bad. $10 for an unbelievably cute sweater? SOLD! Then you realize that your infant will only fit in that sweater for about three months. And then you add the $10 for the unbelievable cute onesie to match, and the pants, and socks, and OH, you have to get that adorable matching hat they'll pull off their head every three seconds! Altogether, an outfit can easily cost $50 or more. ONE OUTFIT.

  So, Lincoln's wardrobe consists primarily of hand-me-downs, second-hand store finds, and gifts, so my own taste enters into it almost not at all. But, eh, Lincoln can make anything look good anyway. (Also, thank you for the hand-me-downs and gifts. They are very much appreciated.)

 6. I was very adamant that I did not want Lincoln to see me naked, or going to the bathroom, ever. This is primarily because, whilst pregnant, I read this really weird article where Shia LaBeouf talked about how sexy his mom is (the link goes to a very jerky column about it, but I'm too lazy to find a less biased one) and how his mother used to walk around the house naked with her friends. Something to that effect, anyway. In any case, I was very creeped.

  BUT . . . yeah. It's very hard to get dressed in the morning, fighting feelings of guilt as your child screams and pounds on the door from the outside, missing you. Also, our bathroom has a sliding door, no lock. *sigh*

  What was on your list of things you were definitely going to do with your child that did not end up going the way you thought? Or were you able to be practically perfect in every way, a la Mary Poppins? Tell me about it, mamas.