All Hail Me, Winner of Failing at Life!

  So, first The Bloggess wrote THIS amazing post about failing at being human, which made me laugh-cry (I had to read it in doses because it hurt my throat and stomach too much to laugh so much in one sitting). Then my BFF Kellie did THIS, and it was fantastic. And basically it's just bringing back too many painful, horrible, hilarious memories that I have to share. I think many of them have probably been posted on here years ago, but meh.

 These kinds of things seem to happen to me daily, which is probably why I don't talk to people much anymore. I really shouldn't be allowed to, anyway.

1. At EFY, Cute British Boy sat next to me at a John Bytheway talk. He introduced himself to me and I blanked, thinking, "My brother James would know JUST what to say to make this guy his best friend!" Held out my hand, said, "Hi, I'm James! . . . I MEAN JULIA." He later tried to whisper something to me three times, but it turns out I can't understand whispered British accents, so I gave up trying to understand and fake-laughed, assuming he was telling me a joke. "It wasn't funny," he said.

2. Used to exchange babysitting for use of washer/dryer in Oregon, so I lugged two heavy bags of laundry into my friend's house and chatted with her for about ten minutes before she finally said, "Um, it's Thursday." It took her several more hints before I realized I'd come on the wrong day.

3. Had a crush on 18 year old boy at church when I was fourteen. After sacrament meeting I was walking to class with BFF and swooning (loudly) over how much I loved him. "Haha, what if he was behind me?" I said. BFF turned around, "Um, he is." "Yeah, right, not gonna fall for that." He was.

4. Asked a man at Foot Locker if he could get me my size. He said something, but I couldn't hear well, so I laughed, assuming he told me a joke (I do this a lot, apparently) while handing him the shoe. He repeated, louder, "I don't work here."

5. At drama club, loudly complained about my assigned dance partner for musical number. Friends pointed out his father, standing feet away from us. "Dorian [name changed] isn't SO bad," I tried to course correct. "Julia, just stop," they begged. I did. Finally.

6. Went out with a group of friends to eat at Chipotle. One friend got a phone call and turned his head slightly for "privacy". I thought this was hilarious and mimicked him, slamming my head into the booth.

7. My very first trip to an OB was when I was pregnant with Lincoln. The nurse told me to take everything off and left a sheet on the table. Did not tell me robe was beneath sheet, nor that I could put it on. I hate being naked, but tried to seem nonchalant as OB walked in on me, casually standing there naked. She told me I could put on the robe. After giving me once-over.

8. Got a phone call from an insurance company with a very automated-sounding female on the other line. Halfway through something she was saying I blurted out, "Are you a robot?" I fully expected her to say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand," like most automated services do when you say something weird. Instead the woman said, "No, I'm a human being. Do I sound that bad?" I apologized, but her voice still sounded super robotic, so I laughed every time she spoke. Couldn't find a way to hang up for another five minutes.

9.  Called my male, ex-military fourth grade teacher "mom". I don't know which of us was more embarrassed.

10.  On a date at the movies. Used the cover of darkness to pick a scab off my arm. Accidentally flicked it onto date's leg (who was wearing shorts). Kept eyes glued to the screen as he brushed it off while glaring at me.

11. While we were dating, McKay took me to a fancy dinner at his professor's house, where I promptly dropped a plate of red sauced pasta on their pristine white carpet. Also, on one of our first dates he took me to a friend's house. After them joking about trusting me to not spill soup on their couch, I did just that.


  This is seriously just the tip of the iceburg. More like a speck on the iceburg. I've done so many humiliating things that I've managed to even forget some of them. What are your best worst memories?

[Also, hi. I know it's been forever. And I'm pregnant and living across the country since my last post. Maybe we'll cover that stuff later. Maybe not.]

It's Like Elementary School All Over Again

After 8 weeks of my bigoted teacher's rants against religion, I left class early today because I couldn't stop crying.

  Not because of his latest abuses against religion (apparently I must be "self-righteous" and "racist"). I can take that. Growing up Mormon, you learn to have a thick skin because you're an easy target. Even when he looked me straight in the eyes during one of these rants, knowing full well of my religious background, I didn't crack. Even when he interrupted my one attempt at defending myself and my religion, I just rolled my eyes and decided to let him have out.

  It was when a kid in the front row raised their hand and said, "I think you're being really offensive. I'm not even religious and I think you're being offensive" that my eyes started to water. People sticking up for me (or just showing kindness in general) has always been a soft spot for me. But naturally it was assumed I must be crying because of the religious rants (to the couple in the back who pointed me out and laughed--thanks. That was great.)

  Unfortunately, when I start to cry, I get extremely embarrassed. It's too vulnerable. Also, my whole face turns splotchy, and my nose/area around my mouth turn beet red, which is lovely. So I continued to cry due to mortification at my crying in public. It was okay when it was just a few tears. But then came the snot. I tried to make due at first, but it quickly became obvious I had two options: 1.) Leave class or 2.) Grab some kleenex and come back. Not wanting the class to think it was that easy to run me out (plus not wanting to miss vital notes for our final), I grabbed some toilet paper and headed back, thinking I had it under control, anyway.

  I didn't. After about a minute, the humiliation crept back in and the tears/snot started flowing again. A second return from the bathroom was more than I could handle. After using up the toilet paper I'd brought back, I decided to duck out early.

  Anyway, to the person in the front row: thank you. Also, I hate you, because you made me cry.

Day 10: My Most Embarrassing Moment

  My entire life is pretty much a giant embarrassing moment, let's be honest.

  I actually already answered this in the last 30 Day Challenge I did, although that one was the Most Awkward First Impression I've Ever Had. It covers both of them, though, and I remember thinking I was quite funny when I wrote it at the time, so you should click on the link and read it.

  Other than that, there was the time I fell down some stairs, which opened up to the main quad at school. All my friends would regularly hang out right at that particular area, too, and they found it highly amusing. I found their amusement amusing, and also a bit disconcerting. I mean, they are supposed to like me, right?

  OOH, I thought of a good one I haven't told you yet, though! It's slightly disgusting too, which I think gives it a bonus.

  I was on a date with a guy I'd thought was cute for a very long time. We were at the movies.

   I had a scab on my arm that had been driving me nuts for a few days, so I did what I secretly hope everyone does with scabs when they're bored: I picked at it.

  I finally got it off and flicked it at the floor (yes, I was contributing to the grossness of movie theater floors. Sorry).

   Unfortunately, my aim was off, and I flicked it on my date's leg.

  Did I mention he was wearing shorts?

  He totally felt it.

  He gave me his best WEIRDED OUT face while rubbing his leg. And yeah, he was looking at me.

  He totally knew.

  For my part, I stared resolutely at the screen, pretending to be oblivious and hoping he'd think the scab I flung on his leg was in his imagination.

  We never went out again.


  Tell me your embarrassing stories! Especially if they're date-oriented, I love a bad date story.

Proof that I Am the Most Awkward Being on the Planet

  Yesterday at the grocery store, I recognized a woman from my baby group. Without thinking, I called out to her.

 ME: HEY! How's it going?

OTHER MOM: Uh, hey! It's going well.

(I glanced at the baby in the cart, who looked similar to the baby she brought to group, but older. I figured it was an older child she hadn't told me about)

 ME: That's not Jerry . . .

OTHER MOM: Nope, this is Isaac.

 ME: You don't recognize me, do you? From baby group?

 OTHER MOM: Uh, no, I've never been to baby group.

  (At that same moment, I had the sudden realization that this woman was my usual cashier at this grocery chain. She really doesn't look anything like the other mom from baby group, other than some similar piercings)

ME: OH MY GOSH. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else. I'm going to walk down this aisle now and pretend this never happened.

 OTHER MOM: Don't be embarrassed! Really, it's fine!

  A little while later, I passed by her down another aisle. I pretended not to see her. She waved at me and said, "Have a great day, hon!"

  
   I shouldn't be permitted out in public.

Five Ways to Raise Nerdy Kids

  You might have seen my facebook update yesterday about being fired from a writing job before I even started. My potential job was to write articles for a website called Nerdy With Children (I'd include a link, but I'm still feeling a little bitter about the whole thing, so I'm not going to make traffic for them any easier). I thought it was a perfect fit. I mean, I'm nerdy, I have a child, and I'm a semi-decent writer.

  They enjoyed my sample of writing and asked me to write a sample article. When I did that, they told me it was good, but they already had something similar. Which made me feel like a complete moron, especially since I had actually looked through their articles to make sure I DIDN'T write about any topics they'd already covered. But I either missed that one or subconsciously did the opposite of what I'd intended, but either way, it may have looked like I was semi-plagiarizing. Oops. So they gave me a new topic, and I wrote on that.

   Aaaand, then they told me they "loved my enthusiasm, but . . . ".

   Yeah. It almost felt like a break-up.

  Anyway, since my original article will never see the light of day on their site, I'm sharing it with you special people here (I'm not going to do the second one because it was just an expansion of one part of this article).

Here you go!

 

Five Ways to Ensure Your Child is a Nerd

            Has your child shown a tendency toward the cool and trendy? Does your child shun computers and other pasty-inducing activities? Does your child enjoy (*gulp*) competitive sports? If your offspring is displaying these, or other troubling signs, you may want to take a few steps to alter the troubling path they are currently heading down. If your child is still in their diaper stage, this is an opportune time to indoctrinate them from the get-go and avoid these symptoms entirely. 

1.) Encourage cosplay early in life. Otherwise known as "playing dress-up". Nothing inspires a child quite like random, fanciful pieces of clothing. You have a long, striped scarf and a stick? Great, you're Harry Potter! Or the fourth Doctor! Make sure to grab some pointy ears, because those things are nerd gold. Put them on, and you're an elf from Lord of the Rings, Mr. Spock, or Link from Zelda. Snag those flippers that you only use twice a year and you become a creature from the black lagoon, a mermaid, or a blue-footed booby (the bird. Get your mind out of the gutter). With these imagination skills and learned affinity for costumes, your child is guaranteed to be twenty percent more nerdy.

2.) Make learning fun. Whether it's science experiments, like making a volcano in a cup (as seen here), or crazy art projects that involve throwing eggshells filled with paints at a canvas (as seen here), there are ways to make any subject more hands-on and engaging. Or pick up some cheap test tubes, petri dishes, food coloring and normal kitchen items (like vinegar and vegetable oil) and let them explore their inner mad scientist. Let their curiosity be your guide!

3.) Ditch the classic lullabies we're all sick to death of. You know the ones--Beethoven's fifth that goes off with every turn of their mobile. "Hickory Dickory Dock" in that fake phone that you want to smash to pieces (if you're like me, you rue the day you bought battery operated toys). Not to mention that creepy one about babies falling from trees. There are so many nerdtastic things that have amazing soundtracks, why put up with the hum-drum, done-to-death songs? Make your own CD for them to fall asleep to at night, filled with Final Fantasy goodness, or whatever awesome soundtrack that makes you close your eyes and smile. It doesn't matter what, pick your geek poison and let it infect your child with lovely music as they drift to sleep.

4.) Read. Read, read, read. Anything and everything; read mountains of books to your children every day, and let them see you reading, too.

5.) If your child insists on being sportsy, try geeking up your exercise. Grab a ball and some brooms, make a hoop out of whatever materials you have lying around, and you've got yourself a Quidditch match. Or take any sports ball of your choosing and play Calvinball, where you make up the rules as you go. Make your own foam noodle Lightsabers (as seen here) and have a fencing tournament. Fun for the whole family, and you can write off your own exercise for the day because those little buggers can run fast. I'm assuming they do, anyway. It seems like all children do.

  Hope these ideas help! If you'll excuse me, I need to go purchase some pointy ears. Because the more I think about it, the more awesome and versatile they seem. . .

Julia's First Love Story, in Pictures!

  In my first grade class, there were three "Ben"s--Ben A., Ben B., and Ben C.

  Ben A. was tall (for a six year old), athletic, and handsome. Ben B. was a chubby, nice sort of fellow. Ben C. was short, quiet, and funny.

  I was in love with Ben A. I daydreamed about him. I surreptitiously watched him in class and in the cafeteria. I even named one of my baby pet mice after him.

  I had a "stalk from afar and hope he notices my eyeballs peaking from behind the corner of the wall and falls in love with me" strategy going on, but that didn't seem to be cutting it.

  So  I decided on a new course of action.

 This was a thrilling, though terrifying concept. I had once been popular in kindergarten, due solely to the fact that my best friend had been. She had since moved away, though, and everyone had discovered that I was sub-normal. Subsequently, I was at the bottom of the first-grade pecking order. Still, I thought it was worth a shot. What was the worst that could happen?

  Recess that day:
 

  So, we proceeded to walk around the playground. We jabbered away, instant best friends, just as I'd always fantasized.

    This went on for about ten minutes or so, and I was flying high as a kite, not drug-wise.

     Until . . .

 Soon after, Ben A. the mouse was sold to a pet store. Most likely to be snake food.

A Taste of My Colorado Vacation to Whet Your Appetite

  A couple days ago, we returned from the mystical land of Colorado. Though it was a pleasant vacation overall, I seemed to have more than my usual number of cripplingly embarrassing moments. For example, the first night there, McKay's grandmother saw me naked. Yes.

  In the midst of my screams and thrashing in the tub in a futile attempt to cover myself, I heard her say complacently, "Oh, I guess you didn't hear me knock." She then calmly closed the door, walked away, and (praise heaven) never mentioned it again. The voice of paranoia in my head knows, though, that every time she refers to me in the future my epithet will be, "You know, the one I saw naked?" One more thing I can check off on my list of life goals.

  I'll post pictures and more stories as the days go by (and, Crystal, if you're reading this, if you wanted to send me any of your awesome photos that put mine to shame, I would be a happy girl), but I'm in the midst of preparing for MCKAY'S BIRTHDAY BONANZA (otherwise known as "making lemon bars and making the house less disgusting"), so you will have to content yourselves with this gem for today, my dearies.

  You're welcome.

Oops

  This morning was the usual hectic get-ready-for-church scramble.We arrived late, due to my hair being stupid, but were relieved to see that there were still (miraculously) parking spaces available. We chalked this down to everyone being on summer vacation. We quickly walked in, smiled at the elderly couple in the back row who were smiling at us (I inwardly laughed at their assumption that we must be visitors--just because I haven't been there in a month! Ha!), then took our hard, cold folding chair seats and looked around.

  Not a single, solitary recognizable face.

  "Did our ward change times?" I whispered, getting suspicious when I didn't see anyone I knew, then a little frantic when none of the bishopric looked familiar.

  After a couple more minutes of confusion, we remembered one crucial point: our ward meets at eleven. Not ten, like it was in Canada. Eleven. We tried to keep our snickers in as we exited the chapel to the tune of the sacrament hymn, approximately two minutes after our entrance.

  I'm not the only one who's brain has stayed in vacation mode, has it? This has happened to you guys, right?

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed a Laptop In the First Place

  The other day, a window popped up informing me I had a big ol' bogey of a virus, and it needed to be quarantined immediately. Did I wish to do so? . . . Um, yeah, seemed like a good idea.

  But then, of course, I had to restart my computer to make sure it was good and quarantined. So, yeah, I did that. And then . . . none of my programs would work.

  . . . Oops?

  The worst part is, I did exactly the same thing a year ago.

  Yup. I am officially a moron.